ohh btw that first guy acted towards u is almost exactly how it has been described i treated my wife, when she was not too proud to let me do nice things for her.. but sweet or not, compared to kelly, kelly loves u so deeply i think it makes up for not being as sweet ;) i hope one day i can again find the heart to be able to be that sweet person, and someone worth being that way to..my biggest fear is dying without sharing most of my life with someone..dying alone in my heart, except for memories of the one period in life i wasnt alone

very true lana.. it can also lead to tragedy, but i am an exception, not the rule... my net friends and people like u and kelly who i have met, mean more than most people in my life, and one was my life...now my life is over, my family is dead, and i am dad but still walking for some reason... but again, i would never had the joy i did for 3 almost 4 yrs, or held y own child, if i did not take a chance on the net.. as u know the first chance i took was someone who dd not at all deserve me.. the second was 2 people who deserved each other more than any other person in either of their lives... but you never profit if u are not willing to sacrifice...sacrifice trust, security, daily physical contact..and instead have misunderstanding and longing and lonliness and only hope and optimism can fight these... god i wish i never met her..at least she would still be alive.. i was miserable before i met her... 4 more years without knowing what it was like to actually be happy and at peace would not have hurt nearly as much as having those good feelings and then life cruely ripping them aay from me.. if i could change positions with them i would gladly ..sacrifice my own life so they would have been alive. if i were there her aunt would never have been so bold even as crazy as she became, to murder them..and even wait hours after killing jan, to kill yy..she could not even leave me my daughter.. and i cant ever see having another child, or daring to give in to the passion that drove me and saved our relationship countless times before she matured enough that the little things were not happening anymore that she did to hurt me on purpose, and i actually felt i had back the woman i fell in love with..who was more a girl despite her age, when i met her..this was a matured and truly forgiving and understanding little cloud.. if things continued that way, then we would have had joy for many years to come... now she left me, she and my baby, and went on a journey where i cannot follow yet. i dont know if after this life i will see her again, or just find peace in never knowing anything anymore...either way is better than a life of pain, regret and hopelessness which i cannot fight any longer.. i am dying, wasting away, and if i am lucky it will be quick so i dont have another decade or 3 to remain a dead man walking. treasure your kelly, lana, no matter what little things that frustrate u,, he gave up so much to be there with u, as only an american can understand, and a man. u r the luckiest of all my friends in this regard and though i do not envy kelly, i like u guys too much for such feelings..and i dont actually know what envy feels like.. i have always been accepting of what i have and dont and do not want someone elses life.. i just want my life to be at peace. i spend all day counseling others, comforting them, and at the end of he day, no one cares or knows how or even thinks i need to talk too... my family shunned me after their death..not one card saying they were sorry, not one phone call,, i finally called my favorite uncle 2 weeks later and he could hardly talk without crying... My cousin paul said what happened to me was worse than anything the family went through during both world wars and the '56 anti-communist revolution when they finally left. people died, but not whole branches of the family at once... if this is true..how can i cope?n my own family is dead, and out of the family that gave me birth, my father died the day after xmas during my last visit to china. onl my mom and brother are left, and though i know at least they care, they cant even talk to me.... i have really no one else and am almost as alone as a hermit or orphan or leper, except for friends online like u..and even there...u have i guess been to busy to write me. i hope someday u will...alexcsonka@gmail.com. if i respond i am fine, if not i will have finally joined the rest of the people who i loved the most, and at peace..or burning in hell if it exists... but i cant see much reason to delay that fate if my life now is hell anyhow.. i live on the strength of what care i can find, in myself or from others, and only on a day to day basis...here for today, could 50% chance i will give up tomorrow. u will never have to know this pain unless u r very unlucky indeed, so anytime u get upset with kelly..unless it is really bad and he hurt u... think about what it would be like to not have him to talk to..even if it is to argue..ever again "only more love heals the worst hurt that loving someone can cause u to feel" with that..i miss u guys and really should have come to hz when i was there for 3 months during and after the funeral.. one hope u could give me is if u could get me a contract to teach there without having to fly there first.. i spent over 10,000 usd when i was there this summer, and now am also plagued by terrible debt which could ruin my life as much as jans death could... and for now the only place i could live so cheaply as to actually have hope of paying that debt back is china. be well, both of u..please write